sincerely yours
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Ryuichi remembers the past and present in one Christmas concert.


**Fandom: Gravitation  
Title: sincerely yours.  
Description: Ryuichi remembers the past and present in one Christmas concert.**

**Disclaimer - Murakami-sama owns Gravitation.**

With a stone expression on his face, I stared straight into my uncle's face as he presented me the Christmas gift at the party. He laughed at me as he gave it to me and I felt a chill unlike any other reach the tips of my fingers. I didn't want to touch it and I almost wanted to drop it out of its apparent frigidness that wanted to overtake every pore of my being.  
I had to opened it and as I unwrapped it, being an earnest child, I thought would hold some kind of repentance of their discriminating ways. And yes, it was a wonderful gift. I held the heavy object of nothingness in between my hands.  
It wasn't a gift meant for a child.

It was meant to sear into through me as if I were an adult.

I will never forget that part with all those haughty people that acted as if we naturally were bound by blood because I am ashamed to admit they are. They never claimed me and I pushed them away.

I wanted to drop the frosted, transparent figure of a boy with no expression. But then that would show how broken I was.

**sincerely yours.  
By miyamoto yui  
**  
Out of courtesy, I go to your home. I came back to show you what I've become, and you still push me aside. I came out of etiquette and because that's what true sincerity is.

Yet, you didn't want me to enter your filthy home. And so, now, I am angry, but I can't show that to them.

I sang on that Christmas with all that was left of me. For the fans, for myself. We want to love one another.

Christmas didn't seem to mean anything. It was ironic that the boy who sang with all that he could give wasn't into the season of giving. I was on stage and in a coat that wanted to envelop me in its tightness. My boots rocked the stage from the heaviness.

I wanted to cry as my heart began to break. I was re-living the experience I had as a child.

Not that I didn't care for all gifts, but where was the one that I was searching for? Where was my heart? Where had I lost my innocence? I feigned in front of people, but couldn't last for long. I had to be serious some times. I had no choice.  
That's how it was when you became an adult.

I wondered when all my thoughts and when all the pain started to accumulate like the drops out of a faucet that wouldn't ever be fixed. Although I wanted to believe that this wasn't the work of dreams, I could only see that this was caused by the world.

I wondered when the never-ending pain would finally stop flowing out of my chest. Why do we hate one another when all we do is hurt ourselves even though we didn't intend to?  
And yet, I still want to hold onto all the emotions even though I knew that was all that I could do with all the thorns that were given to me alongside the emotions that Kami-sama gave me to feel.

I could hold onto anything, as long as I could feel it. And then they equated love to the path of pain?

I am a dreamer among the gardens of roses and shrubbery, but there is no equal to the beauty that I saw, but could not touch. It always seemed that it wasn't meant for me. And as I typed on this computer, I saw that I was silent writer. Actually, I was a musician trying to make music with my words even though they weren't all lyrics for you to read.

Realistically, you had to figure it all yourself.

Trying to find the meaning to everything, I became so lost and then the flower that tried to bloom within me was deterred from all the water that it needed to grow. Where was the light? And on this Earth, we're surrounded by all the cement walls and I still couldn't find it. Could I grow beyond these obstacles? Where was the light that I sought after? Wasn't I one of those that deserved that to live? I didn't ask for anything except to love.

I just want to crawl on my hands and knees upon the earth with all that I had. I just wanted to live. That's all I wanted.  
And I asked you with all my screaming, the silence that would someday kill me.

And so I offer you my heart with all the replenishment that I thought was guaranteed to me. I tried to ask what was this iciness that started to rest deep within me. I had a right to be angry. I had a right to be upset. What was this war that we fought with one another when it was ourselves struggling with other parts that disagreed? When were the people around me ever enemies to one another? When did I start to see you as my adversary? When were you ever worthy to step on the Earth that I was proud to cultivate?

When was I ever on the track that you chose? When did I ever hurt you so much that this was the result of everything? When did I ever deserve your scorn? What was the meaning or point of all this jealousy?

I am still the upset child that you excommunicated. I am growing into the adult that you wish you could, but never will be.

Why is it that when you have the most to say that is the time that you most realize that there is nothing else left to say? What is there left to understand? When it's all on the table, didn't I figure it all out when you gave me that so-called gift that you thought held my nature?

I didn't need your form of "kindness". I didn't ever need you. You just came and I thought that of all of them, there was something to go back to.

I come back to my home and I find that there really is nothing to come back to. I feel sorry for those who have the home in their dreams, but their hometown is nowhere to be found. The one that existed is not there. It isn't that the physicality of it all no longer exists, it's that the people and the places have changed.

I grow dizzy and this world is a special thing. It's happiness soaks into me, but I can't let any of it out. I don't seem to understand anything more than what I find out for myself what is the meaning of life.

I want to learn to love again. I want to get closer to my goal.

What was wrong with the path that I took? Does it mean that if I'm alone, that was the best possible way? What was I thinking when I thought that I could beat everything and everyone?

What did I ever do to you? What was this light that I sought after that I was mistaken? Who are all these people? If I changed where I came from, would that help anything? The dream doesn't seem to end; the nightmares keep on continuing with no stop. I am constantly thinking. I am going out of my mind while keeping track of everyone and everything.

You try to make everyone around you happy, but they forget that you're there.

When the lights go out, someone throws me a single white rose with a note. I take it up. It makes me want to cry. I look around. As soon as the concert is done, I run out even though I know Tohma and Nuri will get mad at me. I slip away and I run away. I drive on my motorcycle as far as it will take me.  
I push on the accelerator even though I know my heart is scared of the speed. I keep on going even though I can't breathe.

I drop the bike as soon as I "park" it. I run into the ocean that always seems to love me.

You drift back and forth like the ocean and then the flower that you are trying to take care of, it is dying before you?

They said that if I held it close to my heart, then I would live. I tried to protect wherever I went. I went to the ends of the earth. The beaches weren't far enough.

The waves kept on coming back and forth, they were going to take me away. I went there at night when there were no stars in the sky, but a mysterious mist settling around everything. The fingers of the coastline were coming towards me and I touched the water.

After stepping in, I came back out.

It made me realize that I was alive. I was going to go back to world that never seemed to know if it wanted me and I never seemed to know if I wanted to live there either.

I ran back up the shore and held the flower that kept on bleeding in between my fingers. It was glowing and it was growing dim.  
I tried to hold it even though my fingers were splitting from the thorns.

I wanted to hold on and I was slipping away with that flower that I couldn't even protect with all my life.

I heard the waves going back and forth and I couldn't take it away. I was away but it was becoming louder and louder. Was this the meaning of love? Did you have to kill yourself while living in the illusion that someone seemed to care?

I tried to scream. I looked up to the sky as a gust of wind tried to sweep me away. The petals scattered in the wind and I shouted at the heavens.

No one seemed to listen to me. No one seemed to care. When did my prayers start to mean nothing?

I opened up the card and read it under some light in the parking lot. I closed it and put it into my jean pocket.

Again, I looked at that gift you gave me, whomever you are. I tried to not say a word. I tried to keep my tongue from insulting what already was tainted. I tried not to cry for those who didn't deserve my tears. But I was only human, or at least I thought I was.

No one seemed to remember that. I was doing everything perfectly fine. Everyone seemed to care that they were doing well in all their selfishness. They forget once you take over their responsibilities.

Yes, in this way, I did love my fans.  
I took on all your prayers and your words that you couldn't say to anyone. Isn't that why listened to me? I gave breath to the words you couldn't shout out to the world around you?

As I twisted the bleeding flower, I thought of that gift my uncle gave to me. Something so simple in my hands was yet so beautiful even with all the pain. And the other gift given with such severity was meaningful in a malicious way.  
Until now, I wanted to understand what was the logic behind both. Could I change it? What could I have done to prevent it? Why is it I live in a past that never was mine? It never seemed to be real when I saw the tears that I started to cry. Nothing was more real as I could breathe through my mouth.

I am a dreamer.  
I seemed to live within my thoughts because no one wanted to talk to me anymore, thinking I was a mindless child even at this age when I felt so old. People always to find out what I could do for them.  
But now, I know what life all meant. People were selfish and I didn't want to believe that. But that made it clear to me.

You a gave me something I'd never forget. You gave me an ice sculpture that wasn't so beautiful. It was a figurine that was on display. I was as cold as ice, wasnt I? Nothing I did never seemed good enough because I never wanted follow anyone's stupid rules of family politics and all the social rules people gave  
to one another to keep them bound.

I just wanted to live sincerely. That was not a fault, but something you wanted to take away from me.

Behind those constrictions, nothing would ever change. No one wanted to change. And I couldn't stop crying because I knew it was true. I knew what it meant to truly cry in this world. That is why I continue to sing with all of my broken heart with words that no one will fully understand.  
Even though there will always people that will call me crazy, I am just telling the truth. This is the truth that I've found deep inside against the world and its lessons. These tears are what people who have no heart won't ever begin to comprehend or ever have. This is what made the flower grows.

I held onto the few petals onto that flower that I kept so close to me.

And from these tears I cried towards the heavens, a new flower was made.

You will remember me someday. I won't step on you. You will remember what I have done today. I have forgiven you once again.  
You will remember me.

I haven't lost. I won't ever lose to people like you.

As the mist began to clear, I looked up to the moon and held the flower up in the air. I closed my eyes to absorb the cold air.

I took a deep breath and left on my motorcycle. I recited the words my fan gave me:

"I'm sorry I couldn't afford to give you anything else, but I give this to you with all my heart. Don't ever stop singing. If you do, I don't know what I'd do.

You are my best friend even though I just listen to you.

I don't know why you are always sad in your songs even though you smile for all the interviews. I don't know why you cry, but you should know that there are people like me that you love you even though we'll never meet.

Please, don't ever stop singing, Sakuma-sama.

Sincerely Yours."

I pressed on the gas to get back into the city as soon and as fast possible.

Someday, I will come back and tell you to your face that I never became the bitter person you always wanted me to be.

The past can't ever be erased and I continue to paint the unknown future. All I want is to live with all  
that I have, with all that I can.

That is what it means to live.  
That is what it means to be a person.  
That is what it means to be compassionate.

Whether I grow crazy or I cry relentlessly, I will always come back to fight.

It isn't a strength of will. And it isn't pride.

Sincerity is discovering the reality of things that aren't always so beautiful. In exchange, it also gives you a treasure that no one will ever have the privilege of keeping.

I just want to show that I can still love even with all the hurt.

This is who I am.

Now, after all this, I have found the gift that I have sought after all these years.

I held the rose painted with blood under my jacket and closer to my heart.

This is the foundation of true love. Fragile as it is, I won't let it ever become shaken.

There is no face and no name to the pain, but it will continue to haunt me. And I will continue to sing even if you are the only one listening to me. I will believe you understand all that I am saying through your cd player, through your radio, through your television set.

I don't know who you are, but I give you all of me through my songs.

"Yes, to whomever you are. I am sincerely yours."  
**  
Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note:** This piece probably is confusing and makes no sense because of the shifting of tense. On the other hand, it could probably make total sense. Whatever the case, I feel like I typed out a melody out into words to express the emotions that were held deep inside of me. Like a pianist moved by his own music, I cried even though I half-understood, and half didn't. Once again, I experimented with Ryuichi living both in the past and the present. Weird, but not totally off from everyday thoughts, don't you think?

All I have to say is thank you for reading. I always do appreciate it. It moves me beyond words.

Love always,  
Yui  
**  
December 30, 2004, 2:10 AM**


End file.
